


The Dread Pirate Greta (in space!)

by themadlurker



Category: Bandom, Hush Sound, JONAS
Genre: Crack, Gen, Lesbian Character, Space Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-05
Updated: 2010-10-05
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Jonas brothers find themselves at the mercy of of the Dread Pirate Greta and her crew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dread Pirate Greta (in space!)

"They're going to eat us." Kevin's lower lip was trembling; it was pitch-black in the hold, but Nick could tell. "I know they are. They're going to chop us up into little tiny bits, and then grind us up into their evil, bloody meatloaf."

"Would you please calm down? They're not going to eat us, and you're just scaring Joe."

"I'm not scared," said the tiny whimpering ball at Nick's feet.

"It's okay, Joe," Kevin said in his best reassuring big-brother tone, "if they kill us quickly we probably won't even know what's happening. I just hate the thought of being butchered and cooked on board a pirate ship. These kinds of people probably don't even have the proper seasonings." He was beginning to sound more and more hysterical. "It would be a travesty to eat me with nothing but salt and pepper, because I think I would taste delicious with some oregano."

"Will you please shut up?" Nick hissed.

The door to their prison was thrown open suddenly, and light rushed in, blinding them all for a moment. Someone was standing silhouetted against the opening. "Actually," the figure announced, "we have a very well-stocked kitchen on board, so if you'd like us to cook you, I'm sure we could come to some arrangement. It would be a waste, though, because so many of the crew are vegetarian. Eating meat makes for sluggish swordplay, that's what I've always said."

There was a long, stunned silence finally broken by Kevin's nervous cough and question, "if you aren't going to eat us, what do you want with us? Are you planning to... uh, compromise our virtue?"

The shape in the door was slowly resolving itself into a woman dressed in old-fashioned pirate clothes (lace ruffs and pantaloons and all). Her hands were planted on her hips, but she seemed to be laughing. "Where did you get all these ideas about pirates?"

"Our parents always told us to stay away from strangers who wanted to compromise our virtue — and mother was particularly worried about pirates, 'because they would just eat you boys right up'."

The pirate laughed again. She sounded pretty friendly, but then her crew had kidnapped Nick and his brothers, which probably weighed more heavily in the balance.

"Let's just say I'm the kind of pirate who's more interested in gobbling up young maidens — so your virtues should be perfectly safe with me. Anyway, as soon as your brother pays your ransom, you'll be free to go."

"Frankie?" Nick exclaimed in his surprise. "He's ten! How much money can he have?"

"If we were after money, we would have just pillaged your treasury ship. No, your brother runs an unprincipled group of mercenaries who have abducted one of my friends and intend to turn him over to the authorities. So until Bob is returned safely to my ship, I'm afraid I can't let you boys leave. You understand."

"As a point of interest," Joe piped up, "if Frankie chooses to take the reward money over getting us back — not that I think he will! — but, uh, hypothetically, if he does... what happens to us?"

"Oh no. We're doomed, aren't we?" Kevin moaned. "Frankie's always wanted to be an only child."

Their captor took a while to think about it. "If your brother refuses to be reasonable, we're going to have to rescue our friend from DisneyPlanet ourselves. We can always use more people to work the atmospheric maneuvering rudder, if you'd like to work towards your freedom."

Nick exchanged glances with his brothers. "We'll, uh, we'll have to think about it, ma'am. Uh, miss...?"

"People usually call me Dread Pirate Greta, but it's 'Captain' if you decide to join my crew."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] The Dread Pirate Greta (in space!)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/930837) by [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins), [themadlurker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker)




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